When the Loneliness gets to you
I already kept people at arms length and hadn’t allowed anyone in my life intimately in five years. I thought my husband was sincere when we met. To find out I was nothing more than anyone else he was trying to get to marry him to keep him in the country feels like a level of betrayal I don’t know how to describe.
-Originally Blogged on January 23, 2016
I’m used to being alone. Even when I have others physically near me, I am usually alone. I can’t remember the last time I was able to let someone into all facets of my life and with each passing day, month and year I become less and less hopeful that will ever happen. I’ve become really good at keeping people at arm’s length. It’s one disappointment after another and that’s when I am reminded of how lonely I really am.
Now I can tell anyone else besides myself that is not true and have compassion for them. But I don’t feel that for myself. I have given myself a life sentence of guilt and grief that comes in waves. On nights like this, it feels overwhelming, as though the weight of a thousand grieving mothers sits upon my heart.